Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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