Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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