shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
