cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
