You smell like a Billy Joel song
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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