How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
