Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
