Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
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Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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