I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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