Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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