Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Randomize
