i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Bring me that man meat
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
