and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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