Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
