You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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