I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
