Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
