my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
