we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
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The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Is it penis luge time yet?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
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Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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