Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
