I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
