Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
