he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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