if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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