i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i drank out of a bidet.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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