Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
