I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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