apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I FOUND THE LEGS
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
