Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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