I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize