if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize