not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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