i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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