Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
