At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
