I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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