Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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