My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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