Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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