There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
