rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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