2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
