You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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