i think my mom watched the whole time
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
