tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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