Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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