I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
