Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
