I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
