I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
