I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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