Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
