just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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