i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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