That's when you crack a 10am beer
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The air was thick with penises
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
