Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
