you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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