If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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