i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
