How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
