I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
