Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
