I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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